20 years ago, I found myself jumping into a dry canal on a hot day in Santa Cruz de la Sierra, Bolivia in an attempt to introduce myself to a group of kids who called the canal home. While my Spanish was in good form after two years designing programs for a nonprofit in Spain. My early attempts at communicating with youth who had been abused and neglected and were now living in the streets had gotten off to a rocky start. I learned quickly that my Spanish and even my ability to articulate what the kids had experienced that led them to the streets didn't create the opening to enter into their community. So I stood awkwardly on the outside, respectfully observed from a distance and occasionally got an “hola, hermano”, as they assumed I was from the church. I was not. Days later, a boy known as Choco asked if I wanted to play checkers with his friends. I accepted. I sat under the bridge, introduced myself and asked them their names. Before they even finished introducing themselves, I started my pitch as to why they should leave the streets. Nothing surprising here. The streets are full of danger like traffickers, drugs and disease. I even shared the data that made it clear that they would likely die of tuberculosis or addiction, or end up in jail before their 20th birthday. The kids didn't flinch. Instead, Choco put his hand on my arm and said, “but the street is my family. They protect me.” In one of the more consequential decisions in my career, I fought my urge to argue with him, and again cite all the evidence as to why leaving the streets would be better for him in his future. Instead, I listened. What I learned in that moment would serve as the foundation of my work for the next two years in Bolivia, and in some ways for the past 20. Our trusted social connections inform how we see ourselves in our world. If I wanted these boys to leave their only trusted social connections in the streets, I had to build trust with them. And kids see right through you, if you aren't speaking their language, if you aren't sitting in their reality with them. So I kept showing up, I kept listening. And soon I spoke their language. I understood that they didn't want to hear about the dangers of the streets, but the safety of our community and new friendships, the opportunity of school, and most importantly, the promise that I would be there if things got hard. In that single social connection between me and that boy, the conditions that would in many ways dictate his future were changed. In a way it was that experience and many like it over the years that inspired this podcast series. I wondered, how might we bring the language and expertise of policy, research and systems experts into the same space is the language and expertise of those most impacted by the policies, services and resources the former talk about? It's my attempt at translating. I hope that there have been moments in these first two seasons that have helped translate the complexity of systems into how they impact the complex lives of real people. That is my traditionally long-winded way of introducing today's episode. And what I hope you will reflect on as you listen to two different conversations that we have weaved together for you. As you already heard in the opening clip, Diana Maya speaks Spanish. I chose very intentionally to give the same space to Diana's voice as I do to all my guests, which means that she will tell her story without interruption. That also means that if you have to dust off your high school Spanish, you may find yourself in the shoes of the boys in Bolivia when I spouted projected outcomes or that of a mother sitting at a table with a half dozen professionals citing statutes right after her child has been separated from her. In the end, you won't miss anything. I share in English what Diana says after she's done, but I do hope that it's an opportunity to reflect on how important shared language and social connection are to building trust, authentic engagement and the opportunity for meaningful change. I have spent weeks thinking about this episode, what I have learned from listening to Diana and Jessika stories, the power of their connections with Amy and Ayesha and how we can change lives by listening to understand what someone has been through who they are, and who they might become if someone believes in them. Social Connectedness came alive in these conversations. And one powerful moment I watched as Amy was brought to tears while listening to Diana tell her story. While Amy doesn't speak Spanish, it was clear that she understood what Diana was experiencing and sharing in that moment. I want to thank that Diana Maya and Jessika Harleston, for sharing their stories with me. I also want to thank my colleagues here at Children's Wisconsin, Amy Baldus, Ayesha Teague and Micaela Conlon-Bue, who have become part of Diana and Jessika stories do their amazing work and care. I encourage you to learn more about them on our podcast website.
Host: Luke Waldo
Experts:
00-:47 – Diana Maya - “Si hay una persona alli fuera que se siente sola, que siente que ya no tiene fuerzas, busquen ayuda.”
Jessika Harlston – “But having her as that outsider looking in was what I really needed to see the most. And she guided me in every way shape or form to mold me into the woman that I am today. I had the mentality to do it. I just, I needed someone from the outside to kind of help me see from what everybody else was seeing.”
:55-6:32 – Luke Waldo – Opening and Welcome
6:33-7:04 – Luke – Diana, what was happening in your life and your family’s life that led you to seek support from Amy and Children’s Wisconsin?
7:05-8:23 – Diana – Last year was difficult as I struggled with depression. My mental health crisis affected my three children, especially my oldest son who had suicidal thoughts. I struggled with energy, which impacted my ability to work. I asked for help and started medication, but it made me more tired. So I came to Children’s to ask for help for me and my family, and that’s how I started working with Amy. I feel fortunate to have met her and started the program.
8:24-10:04 - Luke – Luke translates into English what Diana shared. What was happening in your life that caused your depression?
10:05-12:02 – Diana – It started many years ago when I lived in Texas. I struggled with post-partum depression after the birth of my daughter. Three years ago, I decided to move to Stevens Point in Wisconsin, a small town where I didn’t know anyone. I packed up my car with my three suitcases and children, and drove here to start fresh. Then I had a surgery and spent three days alone in the hospital, and I fell apart. I had no support, and something broke in that moment.
12:03-14:08 - Luke – Luke translates into English what Diana shared. What was missing in your life that could have changed your life for the better?
14:09-19:36 - Diana – Ever since I was young, I have experienced abandonment. I never met my father. When I was very young, my mother met another man who she chose over me, and I went to live with my grandmother. When I was 12, my mother asked my grandmother to have me back, but only to clean her house and take care of my younger sister. I started to use drugs to cope. When I was 15, my mother moved to Texas and left me behind. I had to find my way on my own. At 17, I got pregnant with my oldest son, and I met my first and only love. At 24, I was five months pregnant with my second son when the father of my child died in a car accident. 6 years later I had my daughter. I have worked really hard to be a perfect mother because I hold so much resentment towards my mother. What was missing in my life? The care of my parents, a proper education as I was educated in the streets. That led to becoming addicted to drugs and alcohol. But I changed for my children. “Me hubiera gustado muchisimo un abrazo, la proteccion de una madre.” My mother suffered a lot as her partner was abusive. I didn’t understand her back then, but I understand now that she suffered too. I have forgiven her. I wish it had been different, but all of this made me a strong woman.
19:37-22:48 - Luke – Luke translates into English what Diana shared.
22:49-23:12– Luke – Welcome, Jessika. What was happening in your life that overloaded you and your family with stress and led to child welfare involvement?
23:13-28:25 – Jessika – Jessika became isolated from her family and support network due to an abusive relationship with her husband. She eventually left after 5 years, and took her 3 children to her mother’s house. After leaving for work, her mother called her to let her know that she took her baby to the hospital. She was asked to come in to the hospital as they found her baby to be malnourished. Child welfare got involved, and she was charged with neglect.
28:26-29:44 - Luke – Thank you for sharing your story with us, Jessika. What was missing that you needed that would have helped you overcome the challenges that you were facing?
29:45-32:29 - Jessika – She needed parenting and coping support as the stress of the abusive relationship would translate to her reactions to her children. She learned childhood development that allowed her to better understand what was “normal” behavior, and then how she could control her responses to those behaviors. This also allowed her to care for her children in a way that would help them grow into healthy young men.
32:30-34:18 - Luke – We all need people in our lives to support us when we parent. How did isolation impact your ability to parent your children and take care of yourself?
34:19-38:46 - Jessika – The isolation led to tension with her family with whom she had previously been so close. She started to lose a sense of herself as her family and community used to be such a big part of her identity. Nobody knew who I was anymore. My family made sure that my boys were good even when I wasn’t good. They brought back my light.
38:47-39:14 - Luke – Ayesha, what did you see in Jessika when you first met her and her kids?
39:15-40:33 - Ayesha Teague – She was a lost soul. She was trying to find her breakthrough, but she had been through a lot and was confused. There was a light in there, but the darkness was heavy.
40:34-40:48 - Luke – How did you and Jessika start pulling the darkness back?
40:49-43:37 - Ayesha – We started by being honest about what happened, so that she understood what her children had experienced and what impacts there could be if things don’t change. She then wanted to know who she was deep down inside beyond the child welfare report. Starting with her childhood, she was able to discover that she had been isolated from a family that she used to be so close to. Now, where do we go from here?
43:38-44:11 - Luke – Amy, what did Diana need when she first came to you and Children’s for support?
44:12-45:25 - Amy Baldus – When I first met Diana, she didn’t believe in or love herself. She wanted to change that. I’ve noticed that change over the past six months that I’ve known her.
45:26-45:40 - Luke – Amy, can you tell us about your role and the services that you have provided to Diana?
45:41-47:10 - Amy Baldus – We use Mobility Mentoring as a goal-setting and self-sufficiency tool. We use the Bridge assessment, which helps the participant and I assess where she is at in different core areas of her and her family’s life. I like to use the assessment to highlight the strengths of the parent as they haven’t always thought that they have them. I’ve learned that change happens when parents feel good about themselves and their strengths.
47:11-49:54 - Ayesha – Mobility Mentoring is a professional practice that empowers families to achieve family stability. It uses a Bridge tool that focuses on 5 core areas that include Health and Well-being, Financial Stability, etc. that allows the participant to assess where they are at in those areas. It then includes partnering and coaching with the participant to set goals and action steps, and celebrate those goals when they are achieved.
49:55-50:41 - Luke – Mobility Mentoring often surprises participants as they don’t expect to find strengths when they are seeking help. What did you learn about Diana in those early instances with the assessment?
50:42-51:31 - Amy – I noticed that she was lower on the social supports pillar. She also had some health and financial issues that she wanted to address. Her family pillar was assessed really high as most important. She was very motivated.
51:32-51:45 - Luke - What surprised Diana when she started working with you and Mobility Mentoring?
51:46-52:36 - Amy – The connection we had was a surprise. We built a trusting relationship first, which has been really important to our relationship. She has been open with me.
52:37-52:58 - Luke – What goals did Diana set that have led to the transformation in her life and her family’s life?
52:59-54:31 - Amy – Diana wanted to accomplish a lot. She wanted to improve her education and employment. She started an ESL class to improve her reading and writing of English. She wanted to improve her health, so she got a membership to a health club. She started exercising, which led to her being able to stop taking some medication. That led to better sleep and relationships with her family.
54:32-55:04 – Luke – Diana, how has your relationship with Amy and the use of Mobility Mentoring helped you achieve your goals?
55:05-58:22 - Diana – It was difficult at first because I was really struggling with my depression and my communication with my oldest son who felt I didn’t care about him, which led to his own mental health struggles. When I first met Amy I cried a lot as I felt I failed my son and I felt that he hated me. But Amy supported me and told me that I was a good mother. She helped me realize that I have given comfort to my son in a way that I never experienced as a child. He’s not slept on the street, experienced abandonment. He has comfort at home with a Playstation. Through therapy and Amy’s support, I started to believe in myself. Amy not only believed in me, she also held me accountable. I will forever be grateful to her for believing in me.
58:23-1:01:29 - Luke – Luke translates into English what Diana shared.
1:01:30-1:02:16 - Luke – How did Mobility Mentoring and your partnership with Ayesha help you overcome your challenges?
1:02:17-1:04:18 - Jessika – Having stability, stable employment, my own place, and a divorce to begin my life with my children.
1:04:19-1:04:33 – Luke – How were you able to achieve these goals?
1:04:34-1:05:48 - Jessika – Ayesha pushed me to be my best version, towards my goals. She held me accountable while also reminding me that I’m more than the worst moment in my life. I may not be the best mom, but I’m going to be the best mom for my boys.
1:05:49-1:06:23 - Luke – Ayesha, what have you learned from the use of Mobility Mentoring?
1:06:24-1:09:34 - Ayesha – The Bridge assessment allows me to see where participants see themselves. Aside from safety concerns, most participants come in with employment, housing, childcare challenges. It serves as a powerful tool to help focus on where there are opportunities to grow. It also serves as a reminder that if one pillar of the bridge is weak, everything else can feel unstable.
1:09:35-1:10:26 - Luke – Micaela, what do our programs at Children’s offer to families who feel socially isolated? What can we do better to support families’ social connectedness?
1:10:27-1:11:50- Micaela Conlon-Bue – Working in the Western part of Wisconsin, many families experience the “tri-lemma” of housing, transportation and childcare insecurity that creates challenges for families, particularly when it comes to social isolation. With our suite of services from Family Resource Centers, Mobility Mentoring, and Home Visiting, we can offer solutions and support to families who are overloaded by this “tri-lemma”.
1:11:51-1:12:56 - Luke – Amy, as I see the emotion you are experiencing as you listen to this, can you share what your relationship with Diana means to you?
1:12:57-1:14:12 - Amy – It’s amazing to see how much Diana has accomplished and how she has changed to believe in herself in such a short period of time. We don’t always get to see such big change as our program is short-term – 4-6 months – so she will always be special to me as she let me be part of her journey.
1:14:13-1:16:32 – Luke – A single person can be critical in another person’s life and their ability to change. How might we change our mental models, communities and systems so that families like Diana’s don’t experience social isolation and mental health crises in the first place?
1:16:33-1:18:02 - Micaela – I work to incorporate the voice of our community as parents know what they need and what they don’t. Bringing us all together helps us solve problems more effectively.
1:18:03-1:19:04 - Luke – Reflection on Micaela’s point. What ultimately led to the breakthroughs for Jessika?
1:19:05-1:20:48 - Ayesha – Her support system and safety. As soon as she was in her mother’s home a heavy weight was lifted off her shoulders. She was able to reconnect with family and friends, which brought her light back. Mobility Mentoring allowed her to see what was missing, so that she could set goals and achieve them.
1:20:49-1:20:57 – Luke – Jessika, what were your breakthroughs?
1:20:58-1:21:46 - Jessika – Ayesha telling me the truth and being there for me.
1:21:47-1:22:27 - Luke – Thank you, Jessika and Ayesha.
1:22:28-1:23:07 – Luke – Diana, what do you want to share about your relationship with Amy and how it changed your life?
1:23:08-1:26:28 - Diana – I matured and learned to not take everything so seriously. I used to be more motivated by what others believe about me than what I believe about myself. Amy reminded me that life is short, and that I can forgive myself for not loving myself. This helped me forgive my mother after realizing that she was a victim herself. Maybe I was a better mom than my mom, but maybe she was better than her mom. Maybe my mother was a better daughter than I was. She may have sacrificed a lot to keep me safe by sending me to my grandmother’s. She came in October recently, I asked for her forgiveness for not being a better daughter, for not checking in on her. My children will understand someday that I gave them everything I could. I am grateful to Amy because she’s a strong woman. She helped me so much by believing in me.
1:26:29-1:28:05 - Luke – Luke translates into English what Diana shared.
1:28:06-1:28:19 – Amy – Diana, you have always been strong and I’m so proud of you for seeing it.
1:28:20-1:29:04 – Diana – Expresses gratitude. If you are feeling alone or struggling, ask for help. You are not alone. It will be worth it.
1:29:05-1:30:31 – Luke – Luke translates in English what Diana shared. Closing and Gratitude.
1:30:32-1:32:23 - Luke – 3 Key Takeaways
1:32:24-1:33:52 - Luke – Closing and Gratitude
Join the conversation and connect with us!
SPEAKERS
Luke Waldo, Amy Baldus, Jessika Harlston, Ayesha Teague, Diana Maya, Micaela Conlon-Bue
Diana Maya 00:07
Si hay una persona alli afuera que se siente solo, que se siente que ya no tiene fuerzas, busquen ayuda.
Jessika Harlston 00:22
But having her as that outsider looking in was what I really needed to see the most. And she guided me in every way shape or form to mold me into the woman that I am today. I had the mentality to do it. I just, I needed someone from the outside to kind of help me see from what everybody else was seeing.
Luke Waldo 00:55
Welcome to season 2 of Overloaded: Understanding Neglect, where we explore the Critical Pathways that lead to child and family well-being and reduce family separations for reasons of neglect.
Hey everyone, this is Luke Waldo, your host for this podcast series and the Director of Program Design and Community Engagement for the Institute for Child and Family Well-being, our partnership between Children’s Wisconsin and the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee’s Helen Bader School of Social Welfare.
Luke Waldo 01:37
20 years ago, I found myself jumping into a dry canal on a hot day in Santa Cruz de la Sierra, Bolivia in an attempt to introduce myself to a group of kids who called the canal home. While my Spanish was in good form after two years designing programs for a nonprofit in Spain. My early attempts at communicating with youth who had been abused and neglected and were now living in the streets had gotten off to a rocky start. I learned quickly that my Spanish and even my ability to articulate what the kids had experienced that led them to the streets didn't create the opening to enter into their community. So I stood awkwardly on the outside, respectfully observed from a distance and occasionally got an “hola, hermano”, as they assumed I was from the church. I was not.
Days later, a boy known as Choco asked if I wanted to play checkers with his friends. I accepted. I sat under the bridge, introduced myself and asked them their names. Before they even finished introducing themselves, I started my pitch as to why they should leave the streets. Nothing surprising here. The streets are full of danger like traffickers, drugs and disease. I even shared the data that made it clear that they would likely die of tuberculosis or addiction, or end up in jail before their 20th birthday. The kids didn't flinch. Instead, Choco put his hand on my arm and said, “but the street is my family. They protect me.” In one of the more consequential decisions in my career, I fought my urge to argue with him, and again cite all the evidence as to why leaving the streets would be better for him in his future. Instead, I listened. What I learned in that moment would serve as the foundation of my work for the next two years in Bolivia, and in some ways for the past 20.
Our trusted social connections inform how we see ourselves in our world. If I wanted these boys to leave their only trusted social connections in the streets, I had to build trust with them. And kids see right through you, if you aren't speaking their language, if you aren't sitting in their reality with them. So I kept showing up, I kept listening. And soon I spoke their language. I understood that they didn't want to hear about the dangers of the streets, but the safety of our community and new friendships, the opportunity of school, and most importantly, the promise that I would be there if things got hard. In that single social connection between me and that boy, the conditions that would in many ways dictate his future were changed.
In a way it was that experience and many like it over the years that inspired this podcast series. I wondered, how might we bring the language and expertise of policy, research and systems experts into the same space is the language and expertise of those most impacted by the policies, services and resources the former talk about? It's my attempt at translating. I hope that there have been moments in these first two seasons that have helped translate the complexity of systems into how they impact the complex lives of real people.
That is my traditionally long-winded way of introducing today's episode. And what I hope you will reflect on as you listen to two different conversations that we have weaved together for you. As you already heard in the opening clip, Diana Maya speaks Spanish. I chose very intentionally to give the same space to Diana's voice as I do to all my guests, which means that she will tell her story without interruption. That also means that if you have to dust off your high school Spanish, you may find yourself in the shoes of the boys in Bolivia when I spouted projected outcomes or that of a mother sitting at a table with a half dozen professionals citing statutes right after her child has been separated from her. In the end, you won't miss anything. I share in English what Diana says after she's done, but I do hope that it's an opportunity to reflect on how important shared language and social connection are to building trust, authentic engagement and the opportunity for meaningful change.
I have spent weeks thinking about this episode, what I have learned from listening to Diana and Jessika stories, the power of their connections with Amy and Ayesha and how we can change lives by listening to understand what someone has been through who they are, and who they might become if someone believes in them.
Social Connectedness came alive in these conversations. And one powerful moment I watched as Amy was brought to tears while listening to Diana tell her story. While Amy doesn't speak Spanish, it was clear that she understood what Diana was experiencing and sharing in that moment. I want to thank that Diana Maya and Jessika Harlston, for sharing their stories with me. I also want to thank my colleagues here at Children's Wisconsin, Amy Baldus, Ayesha Teague and Micaela Conlon-Bue, who have become part of Diana and Jessika stories do their amazing work and care. I encourage you to learn more about them on our podcast website.
In our conversations, today, we talk about suicide and domestic violence. If you are having thoughts of self-harm, you can get help by calling or texting the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 at any time. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. And now on to the episode.
So let's first start Diana by talking about your family and what you were experiencing in your life and in your family's life that led you to first coming to Children's. So Diana, ofrece su historia de su familia. Entonces, si nos puede decir un poco de su familia para que tuviera que llegar a las puertas de Children's Wisconsin?
Diana Maya 07:05
Hola mi nombre es Diana. El año pasado fue un año difícil. Tuve una crisis de depresión y lamentablemente creo que afectó mucho a mi hijo mayor Fernando. Yo tengo tres hijos y Fernando tenía muchos pensamientos suicidas, entonces eso vino a quitarme la estabilidad que yo tenía. Empecé a fallar en trabajos porque tenía que tomar medicamentos y los medicamentos solamente hacían que me sintiera débil y con mucho sueño. Entonces pedí ayuda y por eso fue que llegué a este programa y la verdad me siento muy afortunada de haber estado en una situación crítica y sentirme que yo sola ya no podía y pedir ayuda fue lo mejor que yo pude haber hecho.
Luke Waldo 08:26
Thank you, Diana. So what I heard from you, Diana was that when you're a mother of three, and that you were really struggling with, with depression, which really had a profound impact on your oldest son started to really impact him and, and his and his own well-being primarily because as you as you've shared, you felt overwhelmed by the depression, you sought help, you started taking medication. But that medication made it very difficult for you to work, to do the things that you wanted to do to care for your children. It made you tired, and that that really led to your son having suicidal thoughts. And through all of that, you reached out to Amy, and to Children's for help. And as you put it, and I think it's quite powerful. You feel very fortunate to have kind of reached this critical moment in your life and your family's life and to have chosen to have sought help from others and from this program, Diana, what was overwhelming you overloading you that really led to the depression that that kind of started all of this journey for you and your family? Qué causó esa depression? Qué le pesaba tanto en su vida?
Diana Maya 10:06
Yo creo que fue un problema de hace muchos años. Yo siempre he tratado de ser o de mantenerme fuerte. Yo viví muchos años en Tejas, McAllen, Texas, Las cosas eran muy diferentes, la gente es mucho más movida y yo tuve depresión pos-parto cuando me alivié de mi hija Sofía hace 6 años. Y hace 3 años tomé la decisión de venirme a Wisconsin a un estado que yo nunca había venido, a una ciudad que yo nunca solamente porque escuché que era un pueblito tranquilo y tomé mi carro, tomé a mis tres hijos, llegué con tres maletas sin conocer a nadie, entonces empecé a luchar de cero. Y hace 2 años tuve una cirugía de emergencia. Me quitaron la vesícula, y estuve 3 días en el hospital. Yo siento que ahí me rompí. Me sentí sola en el hospital. Aquí yo no tenía amigos, no tengo conocidos y realmente siento que ahí fue donde estando en el hospital. Yo sentí que algo se rompió.
Luke Waldo 12:03
Thank you, Diana. Gracias por compartir. So what again, I heard from you, Diana was that this journey started many years ago. You previously lived in Texas with your children where I think you had a more kind of whole social network, a community around you. But then you you've moved up here to Stevens Point, to Wisconsin to a small town where you didn't know anybody. And then really what, initially what you were struggling with postpartum depression after the birth of your youngest child. But it was really beyond that it was this sense of kind of loneliness, right, that you didn't have a social network around you. And you talked about a, a, an operation of surgery that you had, and that all kind of piled on as you were recovering in the hospital for a few days. This kind of feeling that you were alone, raising three children and that that was very overloading, very overwhelming. And it sounds like that was kind of the critical moment that led to kind of searching for help and in many ways what you what you found with Amy and with children's. So Diana what was it that you feel was missing in your life? That would have made things different if you had had them, especially in in the years since you came to Wisconsin? Qué era lo que faltaba en su vida? Qué necesitaba? Qué pudiera haber cambiado el destino o la vida de Usted y de su familia?
Diana Maya 14:09
Desde chica, he sentido o experimentado el abandono. Cuando yo nací mi papá no se hizo responsible, no lo conozco, no lo conocí, creo que ya falleció. Cuando tenía 2 años mi mamá conoció a su esposo y me mandó a vivir con mi abuela. Yo no estuve con mi hermana cuándo nació. Yo no estuve con mis hermanos, cuándo nació no los conocí hasta que yo tuve 12 años. Sabía de ellos, los miraban dos tres días por año y mi abuela me enseñó a ser muy fuerte, a ser independiente, a ser trabajadora y mi abuela siempre me mantuvo ocupada. Entonces cuando yo estuve 12 años y mi mamá me pidió solamente era para los, para que le limpiara su casa, entonces y le cuidara mi hermana que estaba más chica. Entonces yo empecé en drogas. Yo vivía en México yo empecé en drogas pero nunca dejé la escuela siempre me gustó mucho la escuela. Cuando tenía 15 años, pues mi mamá se vino a vivir a McAllen, Tejas y a mí me dejó sola en México, entonces yo tuve que trabajar y pagarme mis estudios, pero estaba yo sola. Cuando tenía 17 sali embarazada de mi primer hijo Fernando y de ahí, yo sentí lo que fue realmente el primer amor, lo único que yo he amado en toda mi vida. Cuando tenía 24 salí embarazada de mi hijo Alexander. Y cuando tenía 5 meses de embarazo el papá de mi hijo falleció en un accidente de automóvil. Yo pedí cuando cuando me alivié que me operaran porque a mí me hicieron cesárea porque yo ya no quería tener más hijos. Yy 6 años después me embaracé de mi hija Sofía y yo siempre había luchado muchísimo por ser una madre perfecta para no volver a cometer el mismo error que cometió mi mamá conmigo. Entonces yo he cargado mucho odio, mucho resentimiento hacia mis padres con mis hermanos. No tengo relación porque realmente nunca he convivido con ellos. Qué me hubiera gustado para que todo eso hubiera cambiado, pues probablemente el cuidado de mis padres, una buena educación. Yo me eduqué en la calle. Yo no, yo tuve que educarme para darle educación a mis hijos porque antes yo decía muchas maldiciones, era drogadicta, era alcohólica. Yo tuve que cambiarlo porque yo no queria darles ejemplo, ejemplo a mis hijos. Y me hubiera gustado muchísimo un abrazo, la protección de una madre. porque lastimosamente mi mamá sufrió mucho con su marido. Su marido era un hombre horrible. La maltrataba, la humillaba muchísimo. Pero yo no lo entendía y yo decía porque ella era débil, porque ella se dejaba, y realmente, no realmente ella también necesitaba ayuda y probablemente ella no tenía a quién acudir. Y ahora lo entiendo. Ya la perdoné, pero eso es siento que es lo que me faltó, me faltó el cuidado, pero también siento que me hicieron muy fuerte, siento que me hizo una mujer fuerte.
Luke Waldo 19:37
Gracias, Diana, por compartir. Todo lo que me ha dicho demuestra claramente que usted es una mujer fuerte. Thank you for sharing Diana there's no doubt in my mind that you are in fact, a very strong woman. Very strong mother. What I heard you share, is that what you really needed, that may have changed. Again, kind of the direction of your life and your family's life was a real connection, a nurturing connection with your mother in particular, with family. And just really this idea of feeling loved, cared for, and part of really kind of a family and a community. So you started the conversation by sharing that from very early age, you've experienced a lot of abandonment, you never knew your father, your mother essentially asked that your grandmother raise you because she was in a very, very abusive relationship after your father had left. And that over time, you really you your relationship with your mother was very transactional, that when she would ask you to be in the house, it was to care for other family members to clean to work. And that in your teens, teenage years she left for the US this was all in in Mexico she had left for the US left you behind. And so you know, you shared that you had grown up really not feeling loved by your mother and, and not having known your father and not feeling that love from your parents. And then you struggled with coping, you shared that you had started to use drugs, although you were really committed to your studies, really kind of struggling with the emotional overload of that abandonment. You then had your first son you discovered love as you shared, and then had your second child and unfortunately then experienced another significant loss as your husband died unexpectedly. And that this has really been kind of the recurring theme, as you've shared that what's been missing in your life is a real strong connection to people that care for you. And that has taught you many lessons, it's taught you how to be strong, it's taught you to care for your children in a way that you didn't feel like you were cared for by your parents. But at the same time, it is led to you in some ways, continuing to feel unsupported.
Luke Waldo 22:49
So Jessika, I'm gonna start with you. And I appreciate it if you would tell us a bit about what was happening in your life at the time that child welfare became a part of your family's life. And more specifically, what were some of the challenges that over time were beginning to overload you with stress?
Jessika Harlston 23:13
Thank you for having me, Luke. Well, it all starts with my story of my marriage. I dealt with an abusive husband for about five years. Being with him, I thought was a marriage. But it turns out, it wasn't what it seemed. During the year of 2021, I was losing relationships with my family to where I started to become isolated. My family was so worried about me and my kids to the point that they did welfare checks. My husband would have me kind of brushed it off like everything is okay, which I thought it was but in reality and to the people that was not in it had to kind of catch me off guard. But in December of 2021, I took all three of my boys to my mothers. They were all dressed well taken care of look like normal kid. I bought food over there for my boys. I made homemade bottle but just making some homemade food. And that took off the time ago door dashing. My mom called me and told me that she took my youngest son over to emergencies and Child Protective Services wanted to talk to me the social workers wanted to talk to me. I stopped everything what I was doing and rushed to Children's Hospital. And that's when doctors and everyone pretty much told me that I malnourished my youngest boy and I was completely in shock. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. I was breastfeeding um Am I doing the best I can as a mom during that time, and I didn't think I was malnourishing my son at all. But they were saying the way he looked, he was skinny and bony, only gained a few ounces. And it just kind of took me by surprise. And then December 29, of 2021, I went to jail, I was let out on my birthday, January 3 of 2022. And now, with having a court case on me, CPS winds up getting involved, my kids was never taken away from me. I never had to go to court, or any way of my kids getting out of my custody, they're still with me. But CPS got involved to where they was just making sure I was okay, as a mother. They seen that I came from a very well rounded family with the support in the world. My mom, my granny, my sisters, Ayesha everyone was all a part of my support group, they seen that I was in a, in a twist up world where I had a man control my life. And that, now that I was separated from him, they see me and they see how I am as a person. And they seen who I was. I kind of took action to where I knew what I wanted. It was something that I was like, Okay, guys, I need to know how to be a better parent, I need to know how to be financially, mentally ready to be a single mom, in my head, I was like, it's time to be a single mom, you're gonna be a single mom. And I didn't take it as a bad way. But I took it as like, it's time to start making my own decisions, it's time to start making my own choices, it's time to start doing better for myself and for my boys. And during all that year, Ayesha was there through all, even through the court systems, and I'm still facing still to this day. Help me one day at a time, I'm still dealing with my husband, he's gonna be he's going to be my ex. But having Ayesha there along the way, I was able to tell her things that I couldn't really tell my mom. But having her as that outsider looking in was what I really needed to see the most. And she guided me in every way shape or form to mold me into the woman that I am today. I had the mentality to do it. I just I needed someone from the outside to kind of help me see from what everybody else was seeing. I know my mom and everybody was there. But they are family. I knew somebody on the outside that seen it all and probably even heard it all. But she was there to kind of see a different, I was a different case, I was a different person. And I was I felt like I was probably even a different study to her. So it was kind of like a nitpicking of the brain. But I enjoyed having her every step of the way, and kind of made me the woman I am today. So I took my path and molded into like another stepping stone for me to be a better person.
Luke Waldo 28:26
Well, you said a lot, Jessika and I want to start by thanking you for for sharing your story. Being vulnerable with all of us here today. And I also am deeply grateful to hear the trajectory of your story and your life and your family's life that has brought you to this moment, right and to not only the relationship that you have with Ayesha, but the relationship that you have with your family, with your children, right and most importantly with yourself, right? And the belief in yourself as a mother, right as an individual whose life is worth it, to have really focused on what you needed to be able to overcome some of the many challenges that you've laid out here. I'm curious, what were some things that you feel like looking back now that you really needed to overcome kind of the stress of the abuse in your relationship, and the other stressors of just being a parent right? And having to maintain a household take care of your children take care of a young child, what were some of the things that you really needed, that you didn't feel you had then that looking back now you wish you had?
Jessika Harlston 29:45
Being a better parent. What I took from Ayesha, from her lessons on parenting skills was learning how to control myself, because most of that stress from my abuser came on to me. And it was starting to, in a way, kind of start coming out to my kids. And it's like, that's not me, that's him. And I had to kind of, in a way take Ayesha’s lessons and focus it on myself, like I have changed the mentality that this man has put upon me the stress of, in a way, being a single wife, I'm having a husband there that was there, but wasn't there having a husband that was in the background, a puppet master. And but it seemed, in a way, I was making the decisions. And in reality, I was not. So I had to take back my life. And my even my, my mindset, I had to take my mind back. And even still, to this day, I'm still learning to take my mind that I'm being in with the abuser for this long for five years, it's, it's a lot. And it's gonna take some time to get all of him out of my mindset out of my mold out of my behavior. And I used to have the parents and lessons to where I had to work on my mentality. And for example of that, I had to learn how to control my anger, when my kids are doing something that are just kid. It may seem like a negative way to me, but I'm like, they're just kid, you have to relax yourself, be calm about things. They're just kids. Control your anger, because they are not him, you have the control to mold these boys the way you need to mold them, even though they they know who they father is, having me around, I can mold their minds to being better men than I can mold their minds to be where that behavior would not call upon. Now, because I do not want that type of behavior, not only on myself, but I don't need that one down, as well as that it's a cycle, a generational cycle. And I'm not with that. And I broke that chain, and I'm continuing to break that chain each and every day. So I use just periods of lessons, I definitely have to say, A plus.
Luke Waldo 32:30
No, awesome, I'm not surprised. I've known Ayesha for a long time now. And there's a reason why she's on this conversation today. Because she does really incredible work and, and really understands, right the, the the importance of getting to know, the Jessika's, that she's working with, right, because each of us are, of course unique. And our challenges are unique. And so I want to I want to build off of that for one more second. And then and then we'll introduce Ayesha here and some of the work that she's done with you. But I want to revisit the the impacts of being being isolated. Because in the short time I've gotten to know you, Jessika, you're a powerhouse. You're a strong woman, a strong mother. But what I've also learned in this work, and being a parent myself, is we can't do it alone. Right? It's just that we can't do it alone. Each child is unique. Each child's challenges are unique, right? each child's strengths are unique. And there is no there is no playbook for parenting. Right. So we need we need people in our lives, right? We need family members, we need neighbors we need Ayeshas, to help us work through the many challenges that our children will, will bring to us right. So I want to take a moment to reflect on how you felt particularly when you were most socially isolated from your family before you met Ayesha and how you felt that really kind of compounded the challenges that you are already facing as a as a mother of three boys, right? So can you tell us a little bit about how can of that isolation really impacted your ability to care for your kids and care for yourself the way you want it to?
Jessika Harlston 34:19
I come from a family where I have family orientated and I usually speak on that heavily. I come from a family where we sat at dinner tables, we gather for holidays, we there for graduation, we're there for the smallest little things to the biggest little thing. And that is the family that I come from. When my husband came into the picture, it started to crumble. The relationships I have with my mom started to crumble. My granny I'm her number one fave. All she could do was just cry. If I wasn't there, my sisters, I have two younger sisters. And I got to the point my sisters hated, hated me. And that's not the family that, that I know. And with him coming around, I was losing that. I didn't, my sisters didn't know who I was, my sister didn't want to come around me. They got to the point, my sisters wanted to fight me because they thought that I know nourished my son, Noah. And they know that's not me. But dealing with the man that I had. They had that anger, not only towards him, but towards me, because I was allowing that to happen. So not having them around. not knowing who I was. Now, I started to lose my sense of me, because I did not have my support system that I always had since day one. I had nobody there besides him. And that's all he wanted me to have was just him. And I can’t just focus on just you because you're not even focusing on me or the kid. You are selfish on yourself to where you will do whatever you want while I'm stuck with the boys. And so at times, I try to not make me feel isolated, because I'm like, I got three peoples around me. So I'm not too isolated. But being stuck with just us five day in and day out all the time, 24 hours a day, with nobody else to talk to. It was draining of me. I didn't even know who I was anymore. The light that everyone sees in me was so gone. No one knew who I was anymore. My friends that I've known for 13 plus years was like Where have you been? Because they they always see me around. And without me being there. Everybody was concerned about me. Hearing that, coming back to being me being back, making my own choices without a man hovering over me. My friend started to come around was like, This is who you are. This is the light, we miss this light. And it brings so much back into me because that's who I am. Having my support system, having my friends having my mom having my sisters, my granny my grandfather passed what having him around, he always made sure my boys was good. Even when I wasn't good. My boys I knew were always regardless if I was so coming from being isolated for five years. And not seeing any of my family or my friends for five years was was draining. And now that he is out of the picture, so many people see this bigger light that was so dim for so long. So it is a change. And it's a relief that I can shine my light brighter than I can ever shine it to me.
Luke Waldo 38:47
Well,I can see I can see Jessika's light. And I too am grateful that you feel that relief and that you feel that your light is back. So I want I want to thank you again, Jessika. And I want to to ask Ayesha what what what did you see in Jessika, when you first met her and her kids?
Ayesha Teague 39:12
I think the first thing that I recognized when I met Jessika was it was almost like she was lost. So like you could you could tell like deep down inside. She had some struggles. She had gone through a lot of stuff. And I could tell that she was trying to find her break through. I could tell that she was trying to figure out what it was exactly that she had just gone through. She was very emotional. She was confused. She was a little bit reluctant to even kind of open up to say like, this is what I've gone through. It took some time to kind of break through some walls and barriers that she had built up just because of the past and the things that she had gone through with her husband. But I can see that there was this strong person deep down inside that was just trying to get back out. She was trying to get back to herself and who she was and that light that she just talked about. But she was so dark it was so she was so lost, that it took a lot of kind of unpeeling back some layers to really kind of figure out who Jessika really was.
Luke Waldo 40:34
How did you and how to Jessika's start to peel those layers back? And when those layers really started to peel back, what what did you discover what did Jessika discovered that led to some of these breakthroughs?
Ayesha Teague 40:49
I'm always pretty candid when I talk with clients, very transparent. I think the most important part was getting Jessika to understand the extent of the safety concerns in the things that she, her children had been exposed to. And when you start there, you can kind of get a parent to kind of take a step back and say this is bigger than me, right? This is bigger than this situation. It's not just my life that is in jeopardy, I have three children that have experienced all of this turmoil with me. And it took me to be very straightforward and honest with Jessika and let her know that what her children was exposed to could have life altering damage to them overall. Jessika slowly became open to me, because I think Jessika seen me like she said, as a person that was kind of on the outside, non-judgmental, unbiased, I had no clue, you know who Jessika was and never seen her before, never met her before. And so for me to come in and just say, Hey, this is what this paper says. But I want to know who you are outside of this paper. And I think once Jessika, realized that I wasn't just judging her from what this paper this Access report had said, I really wanted to take the time to figure out who she was deep down inside, because I couldn't direct her towards anything towards any healing or closure. If I wasn't able to kind of take some steps back with her, and really get to know Jessika, deep down inside, like who she was, outside of that paper outside of what we see what comes across our computer screens. I needed to start all the way back from childhood, we had conversations about her childhood, and how close knit of a family they actually were. And I think the more conversations that we had allowed, just couldn't really say like, Wow, I did, like, I was truly isolated. Like, I've gone from having all these events and family dinners and gatherings with my family to just sit in this house day in and day out while my husband, you know, did whatever he did. I had no support system. And I think was just realized that it was deeper than just kind of on the surface, that that's when she really started to open up to me and I was able to kind of dig deeper and then start the process of where are we? Where do we go from here?
Luke Waldo 43:38
I'm looking forward to now talking about the journey that you've had since that critical moment where you decided you know what? I need help, I need support. So I'm going to turn to you, Amy and welcome you and ask that you share a little bit about Diana when you met her? What did you see in Diana? What did she come and ask you for when she when she finally had the courage to ask for that support?
Amy Baldus 44:12
So when I first met Diana she like you said she wasn't believing in herself. She didn't feel like she was good enough. And I think the big thing was that she didn't love herself. And those were kind of the the recurring themes that she had about herself and that she wanted to change. And so throughout the months that I've known her, I saw that slowly change and I noticed these differences in her and kind of her outlook on life and things that she was accomplishing and kind of her motivation that she had to really do what was best for her family and for herself. And so that was really great to see. And just the change that she made over the course of the last six months.
Luke Waldo 45:26
Amy, can you can you tell us a bit about your role and the service that are services that you provided to Diana over the time that you've known her?
Amy Baldus 45:41
Sure. So we use mobility mentoring, and that is really basically a goal setting tool, or process where we partner with a client in a very, like guiding and supportive way. So we use the bridge assessment to help with this. And that includes categories like housing, and health and employment. And those are really like the building blocks or foundation that all contributes to self-sufficiency. So for me, when I'm working with clients, I like to use the bridge as a visual or a starting point, to really get the conversation going. Because for many parents, this might be the first time they've ever written a goal or even thought about a goal in that way. And so then I also like to use the assessment as an opportunity to really highlight the strengths of the parent, because many times they haven't been told positive things about themselves. And they simply don't believe that they have strength as a parent. So I use the bridge to kind of draw that out and build them up. Because I really feel like as a parent, when you're feeling good about yourself, that's when the change happens.
Ayesha Teague 47:11
So the definition of what mobility mentoring is, it's it's a professional practice of partnering with clients. So that over time, they can acquire the resources, the skills and the necessary behavioral changes, to attain and sustain family stability and independence. We work through five elements of mobility mentoring, which involve what they call a Bridge to Family Stability, which has nine pillars that cover housing, safety, debts, health, skills, and education. We do goal setting, we do go coaching, and then there's a part of recognition that we utilize with clients. My role is to do just that I partner with my clients, I partner with Jessika to figure out where she fell on this bridge. She she was able to rank where she seen herself, I was able to rank and score where I seen her from a professional looking in. And our goal throughout the entire time we work together and partner and figure out where she was, and where she needed to be where she seen herself. I can have my own definition of what I feel like stability is for a family. But the partnering part, allowed me to kind of take a step back and ask Jessika what it stability look like for her Where did she see herself and her children in the future. And so using this mobility mentoring tool, I was able to kind of meet with Jessika weekly, sometimes, you know, two, three times a week just depends on the goals that we had set and kind of coach her through them. Jessika was allowed to set our own goals regarding you know, therapy services, getting employment, housing, even, you know, finalizing a divorce. And so we set action steps to say how are we going to reach this goal, we made sure that the goals were smart goals, goals that we could track in and you know, they were time based, and something that she felt comfortable setting and she felt like she could, you know, acquire, but it's connecting Jessika to, you know, resources in the community and different things like that. So that way when I'm out of the picture, she has this support system, she has these resources, she has things that she can fall back on. But it's figuring out where a client sees themselves, what is stability look like to them, how we can get this client to be independent, self-sufficient, and also, you know, care for their children in a safe and healthy environment.
Luke Waldo 49:55
I've always found Mobility Mentoring, particularly intriguing. and powerful, because it does allow for parents, individuals, to really, in some cases really surprise themselves because I think a lot of people come seeking support because they are struggling, or they're in crisis and oftentimes lose sight of the fact that they in fact, have many strengths. So when you and Diana first sat down to conduct the assessment, what stood out to you, both from a strengths perspective, and where she was identifying particular challenges in her life?
Amy Baldus 50:42
So I noticed for Diana that she, she was lower on the support network. And I know that she wanted that higher. She also had some challenges with her health that she was wanting to improve. And so those were kind of the main things that that she was wanting support with, along with some financial struggles. But really her family that was really high and, and really important to her. And so just, she, she wanted support in those other areas. And she was it she was motivated to get it.
Luke Waldo 51:32
So were there any surprises that Diana experienced, or that you saw in her when you were conducting the assessment?
Amy Baldus 51:46
I think that probably one of the biggest surprises I noticed was the connection we had, and just really taking the time to get to know her and what was important to her, and kind of building a trusting relationship with her. First, I think that that was really important to our relationship, and because then she felt more open to share with me, and we had just developed a really nice relationship, and we're able to joke and have conversations that were meaningful. And so it was just, I think, that was probably the biggest surprise is the connection that we had.
Luke Waldo 52:37
So can you tell me about the the actual goal setting process and in particular, how Diana approached those kind of early goals, and tell us a little bit about how it really led to some of the transfer transformation in her life and her family's life?
Amy Baldus 52:59
So Diana, she wanted to accomplish a lot, which I thought was was great. And she really was focused on improving her life. And so she wanted to improve her education, employment and so she was focused on starting an ESL classes and learning English and improving her reading and writing. And so so she worked hard at that and she she started in a class and has been really enjoying it and and I think that was amazing and she also wanted to improve her health and so she identified the need to really look at that on a deeper level and and she ended up getting a membership to a health club and one thing kind of led to another she started exercising which ended up improving her health because she was able to go off some of her medication and and she didn't really need some of it and so that improved her, her sleep and and just being able to interact with her family the way she wanted to. Because she wasn't dependent on the medication.
Luke Waldo 54:32
Diana, can you tell us what what changed for you when you met Amy and started to use mobility mentoring as a goal setting tool? Qué cambió para usted y para tu familia cuando conoció a Amy y empezó a usar Mobility Mentoring como un recurso para avanzar sus metas o lograr sus metas?
Diana Maya 55:04
Fue muy importante, fue dificil al principio. Yo venia de una mala comunicacion con mi hijo, Fernando. El empezó a sentirse triste, a sentirse enojado por todo. Y lo llevé a terapia, y se sentia con mucho odio hacia mi. El decia que yo nunca habia hecho nada por el. Entonces, yo con mi depression, y todo lo que he tratado de hacer bien, cambiar mi vida, y dar lo mejor de mi, y para que al final, pues, porque cambiar todo en la vida, por el decirme que no habia hecho nada por el, fue como muy dificil. Entonces cuando yo conocí a Amy, yo lloraba mucho al principio. Yo decia no entiendo porque mi hijo me odia. Tal vez soy una mala madre, tal vez pues no he hecho las cosas bien o cosas asi, pero el apoyo emocional, el escuchar y apoyo de una persona ajena que no me conoce decir, “lo estás haciendo genial, lo estás haciendo bien, tu puedes. Es un niño chiflado no mas quien no quiere hacer nada. Pero no es por ti, es el, es una etapa de su presamiento”. Entonces, yo me puse a pensar que yo a los 18 años, yo habia pasado muchisimas cosas que él nunca sufrió. El nunca ha dormido en la calle, nunca ha sufrido un abuso, él ha pasado el tiempo acostado jugando a Playstation. Perder en el juego Fortnight es lo mas horrible que ha pasado en su vida. Entonces, con terapia yo fui asimilando todo eso.Y tener una persona que cree en mi, que me dio fuerzas, tal vez cuando empezaba el gym yo no tenia muchas ganas de ir, Amy me decia “tú puedes!”. “Mandame una foto porque quiero ver que fuiste. Entonces, para mi, eso fue el primer paso, y la relacion que establecí con Amy es, yo siempre voy a estar agradecida por creer en mi.
Luke Waldo 58:23
Gracias, Diana. So what I what I heard. First and foremost is that when when you first met Amy, things were really hard with your with your oldest son Fernando that you were crying a lot. Primarily because you felt like you were failing him as a mother. He was saying very hurtful things like he hated you that you weren't a good mom, that you weren't doing the things that you needed to do for him. And meeting Amy was important for you because she believed in you. Because she has somebody who had never met you before a perfect stranger just days before, was listening to you was hearing you and was telling you. You're doing well. You're a good mom. You're you're doing your best. This is a phase that your son is going through that teenagers are difficult. Teenagers are going to have their moments. And that you’ll continue to get through this. As you continue to be the mom that you are. You shared that you then took some time to really recognize that at 18 you had spent time living on the streets that you had already been through some very very difficult things that you shared with us earlier. And that, in his case, some of the hardest things that he had ever experienced were things like losing it fortnight. So it was a perspective moment, I think, for you to recognize that you had given your son a life that you were not given when you were younger. And that, then you were able to process through a lot of this through therapy, which you had then begun, because of the support that you were getting from Amy. And then, you know, taking, taking a leap into spaces that you weren't necessarily excited about, like going to the gym, and working out. But that it wasn't only about the support that you got from Amy and the belief in you, that Amy gave you but it was also about a kind of accountability, right that you shared that that Amy would ask you to take pictures when you're at the gym, so that she knew that you were showing up for yourself, right. And that that really meant a lot for you. Right? That it's it's support really married to accountability. And that that for you, shows that she really cares. And as you've kind of finished your thought you shared and I want Amy to hear this, that you will always be grateful for her. And for the belief in her that you, Amy, have given her.
Luke Waldo 1:01:30
I think it's important to note that the beginning of this process is about really authentically assessing where one's at. And so I want to shift back to you, Jessika, and see if you recall, when you were first meeting with Ayesha with the mobility mentoring bridge tool, which is is there to help assess kind of where you're at in all of these different complex things in our lives, right from having a home to paying bills of obviously having a job to pay those bills, taking care of your kids, keeping them safe, nurturing them, and so on. What do you recall being some of your greatest strengths? And what do you recall being some of your biggest challenges?
Jessika Harlston 1:02:17
Well, to start off with, meet an Ayesha, she pretty much hit it right on the head, I was completely lost. I couldn't believe I was going through the court system couldn't believe I had CPS involved with things that I actually work with is actually involved in my life. So it's kind of like, wow, I'm the caseworker. Now, I'm a client. So it's kind of like though, all right, let's get this I already know the role already know where to go. In a way I kind of knew what I wanted. During this entire thing. I already knew my goals, my steps, I already knew what I kind of wanted for myself already. Stability is the biggest thing for me, having a house, having stable employment, making sure my kids are safe, and making sure I'm safe. Getting my divorce, all of that was really, really the strongest things I can possibly have for myself and then divorce was definitely my challenge only because I wanted to keep that two parent household but I also had to learn with them myself that that two parent household does not have to be with that man that two parent household can be with whoever that will make sure you and your kids are safe. So right now, these are the steps you need to do for yourself to make sure you're safe and to make sure the boys are safe. And when that man comes whenever that happens, you will know and so that was kind of the mentality that I had and my strengths was keeping that stability in mind I have to say is my biggest strength and that's kind of what pushed me to keep moving forward always had that stability and you will know that you're stable enough to make sure you and your boys are safe.
Luke Waldo 1:04:19
so Jessika, how do you feel mobility mentoring and Ayesha as kind of your coach to the mobility mentoring process helped you achieve so many of these goals?
Jessika Harlston 1:04:34
I used to help me took it take it one day at a time really. I was slow and kind of procrastinating to do a lot of things but I had to keep myself and my boys in mind and I you should definitely kept pushing me. I also had to come to accept a lot of things as well and that's what Ayesha definitely had to open me up to realize that I had to accept what has happened and now Well, what can we do to move forward? And my main thing was making sure I did not make my mistake become who I am. Because that's not who I was and not who I am. So I used to help me push that malnourisher off me, and helped me be like, you're more than just this paper, you're more than what the court sees you, you're more than, again, what I should say on the screen. I want to look at you for who you are. And Ayesha help me, help help me open up to a woman that I'm still learning myself. But also, I'm knowing that I am an amazing woman, not the best mom, but my boy sees me as the best. And I make sure that I continue to be the best.
Luke Waldo 1:05:49
That's beautifully put, Jessika, right. What matters is is is that your boys see you as the best mom. So thank you for sharing that. I want to switch back to you Ayesha, as you've been working with mobility mentoring for a while now. I'm curious, what what have you learned from using the tool as it relates to the particular needs or challenges that the families that you've worked with, really face?
Ayesha Teague 1:06:24
While starting with doing the bridge assessment, it kind of gives you kind of an overall picture right? As to where a client sees himself right then in there, once that bridge assessment is done, it allows me to kind of dig a little bit deeper into each of those pillars. Ones that I typically see the most, that most clients struggle with, besides the safety aspect coming into child welfare would be employment, housing is huge. Health is another one that that's really big, when you deal with mental health clients, or AODA clients and things like that it affects you know, their overall well being. There's a lot of, I guess, kind of footwork, you have to do outside of just that necessary bridge to kind of really dig deep and see what clients need. It's a it's an everyday changing, updating process, where are we now what do we need to do next? I would say that the bridge helps get you started with, you know, kind of where this assessment is to begin with, but it's going to take a lot of kind of outside work, a lot of you know, like I said, connections to resources and things like that, to really kind of see where a client needs to be or wants to be and how I can better assist them with getting there. Just the the day to day struggles that I see with most of my clients, it falls around these nine pillars. And I've realized that even if one of those pillars is off, or one of those pillars is low, it could have a detrimental effect on the overall, you know, family in the family dynamic. And, you know, a lot of clients will rank themselves really high, because they don't want to look bad to me on paper. But really having those candid conversations and saying it's okay to be honest about where you are right now. And because that's the only way I'm going to be able to help you get to where you truly want to be. But there are so many, I guess disparities that that come with housing, the, you know, the lack of housing, in the in the community or employment in the community and, and just access to resources and things like that. So it makes parents kind of feel like they're just lost in the system. And so I liked the bridge, because that's kind of a starting point. For me, I use the bridge, of course with all my clients, because it gives me kind of a base as to where to start. But then me digging into the community with them going to UMOS, going to Community Advocates really trying to figure out how I can best meet the needs of this client is is where it is, it's not just that sheet of paper, it's that's just the beginning point, the work that I do with families is always use the phrase, we're going to hit the ground running, I'm going to get this case we're gonna hit the ground running, because we need to figure out what stability looks like for this family and how we can keep this family and these children safe.
Luke Waldo 1:09:35
I want to actually turn it over real quickly to Micaela and introduce Micaela to our group here. Put her a bit on the spot to share a little bit about what you've heard, in particular around kind of how you know our programs and the work that you do here at Children's Wisconsin can support families who may be experiencing a have the kind of social isolation or the kind of impacts of many cases of abandonment and so on where they don't necessarily feel connected to their community, or to their families or even to themselves or a belief in themselves. If you don't mind sharing Micaela a little bit about kind of where we can do better when it comes to social connectedness and supporting families.
Micaela Conlon-Bue 1:10:27
So my name is Micaela Conlon-Bue, I'm out in the western part of the state. And my role here is just a little bit different work with a wonderful team of people who does amazing work we do, we have a family resource center, we use mobility mentoring, we have home visiting. So we've got kind of this beautiful suite of opportunities for families, what we see out in the western part of the state is kind of like I affectionately call the trilemma, which is kind of housing, transportation, and childcare being huge factors that really get people isolated. And that kind of think of it as like kind of a slow decline, it's like, get one and then to get the next one that just like snowballs. Um, but what we found is that our staff allow participants to be subject matter experts in their own lives, and then come in as like a really supportive, wonderful resource and advocate for that space. I work quite honestly, with other programs and learning how to collaborate differently to make different types of opportunities that can address some of those barriers. So my work is a little bit different and focuses a little bit more on changing policies and things like that. But um, you guys are just like the perfect example of, of what makes it beautiful. Because really, it's about the connection you make with people and the advocacy, you're willing to kind of stepped forward and work together to figure out
Luke Waldo 1:11:51
Thank you, Micaela, I think that was a great way to capture, as you shared some of the real, underlying challenges that so many families are experiencing, especially in parts of the state. Like you've mentioned, Micaela in more rural parts of the states where, where access to the many kinds of sources that can can connect us physically, right, which is a lot of what we're talking about here today. So I appreciate you sharing that kind of broader kind of, almost systems level challenge that that many are facing. And so I want to, I want to also acknowledge what you shared about the real kind of depth of, of the relationship that the two of you have developed over a relatively short period of time, I want to I want to bounce it back to you, Amy, and just kind of off the cuff here, as he asked you to share a little bit of the the emotion that you're experiencing right now, and what this kind of relationship with Diana, and the work that you do, means to you?
Amy Baldus 1:12:57
What kind of stands out to me, is I'm just who Diana is as a person, and just being able to get to know her, and her letting me in. It's just really meaningful, and, and just seeing, just seeing how she is, even as a mother is, it's not something I see every day. And so seeing that in her and seeing her love for herself again, and when I didn't see it in the beginning. I think that is really big, because a lot of times we don't see that big change by the end of our program, because it is so short, which is normally four months to six months. So a lot of times not big change can happen. And so with her, it's just it's just been a really profound experience. And she'll be important to me forever.
Luke Waldo 1:14:12
Thank you, Amy, that was really powerful. And it demonstrates you know, as as we are seeing in more and more research, right, it demonstrates the power of a single person in another person's life. Right. You know, in this case, just a year ago, the two of you didn't know one another and in a short period of time, have clearly both changed each other's lives. And so I think that's really the essence of the conversation today is that social connectedness does not require this expansive social network that we probably confused because of our our faux social network that exists in social media and so on now, that the, that the intimacy of one person and their interest in our lives and our belief, and a belief in us can can quite literally change our family's kind of life and future. So I do want to turn to you real quickly make Micaela and a lot of what we're trying to accomplish in this, this Strong Families, Thriving Children, Connected Communities initiative, is to change systems certainly change how we work as an organization and as organizations across the state of Wisconsin. But quite frankly, how we change how we all think about children and families in our state, right? And across the country, but more specifically here in Wisconsin, but how might we take what we've learned from Amy and Diana is relationship and distill that out into a more organic community level set of lessons, right, what what are the opportunities here, to kind of create more social connectedness in our communities, so that people like Diana, and future Dianas don't have to experience the sort of kind of isolation and kind of mental health crises that she and her son were experiencing before, before they get the support they need?
Micaela Conlon-Bue 1:16:33
So my personal approach, and one that Children’s has really been amazing about supporting and kind of giving me the space to do is to make sure that we're incorporating everybody's voice. And so that when we're working as a community, we truly are working a community as a whole. I have a deep rooted belief that families know what they need, and they know what they don't. And if we could connect them to the programs and the things that are happening out and make things available, that are truly going to meet their needs, we will be able to do a better job with prevention. So it really does take like a very like diligence in your community to just connect things, whether it be changing the definition of something to include more people, it's not a systems, and people aren't necessarily all always real open to change. So I don't ever think it'll be a very quick process. But just the continued effort and demonstration of what a strength based, like approach can do and what it can mean for our community, for a person for practitioner, because, Amy, I have to imagine, when you see the success, you're like, yes, you know, that's why I do the work I do, because I want to see her succeed. But also just because that's also rewarding for a practitioner, it promotes just a positive growth for everybody. And that's, you know, kind of using that community based approach has been, for us really successful.
Luke Waldo 1:18:03
Thank you, Micaela, for sharing that. And yes, it is incredibly complex. But I I appreciate you speaking to just the importance of of bringing more people in and what I also heard is that we really need to think more and more about how we see one another right and the value of others that maybe traditionally we haven't haven't seen with the sort of curiosity and compassion that that clearly Amy, the way that Amy has seen Diana, in particular.
Luke Waldo 1:18:49
So I want to round off our conversation here. What Ayesha did you see that that ultimately led to those breakthroughs for Jessika right that that that brought her light back?
Ayesha Teague 1:19:05
I think a big one for Jessika and she's touched on it was her family unit. Her support systems was huge. The second Jessika was back in her mother's house I think a big weight was kind of taken off her shoulder, she knew that she was in a safe space. You know, her boys were in a safe space. And she knew she could breathe. Just take a moment to just really breathe and figure out what's next. That the moment she was back in the in the house it was almost like just from me reading on paper versus seeing Jessika in the home. It was almost like it was two different people. I think that support system for her was huge was needed. But also not even just the support system in the home the work that we did to connect her to outside support therapy, parent support groups getting her out and back, you know, in relationships with their friends and different things like that was where I started to see her break through. But it was something that Jessika knew was needed. It was what she had always had was her parents and our support system. And then for that to be taken away, it just caused all this turmoil to come into play. And so that's what mobility mentoring does, it allows the parent to figure out what's needed for them. And Jessika knew she needed that support system back, she needed to be back in the care of her family. And when that happened, it allowed for just all sorts of breakthroughs to start to come into play. And she was able to kind of set those goals reach stability for her family reach that, that independence level that was so greatly needed.
Luke Waldo 1:20:49
All right, Jessika, what what for you was that moment or those set of moments that really brought your light back?
Jessika Harlston 1:20:58
I will have to say when I used to tell me the hard, cold truth about my situation, that had to be my break, have to be honest with myself, by hearing that, from the outside looking in was what I needed to hear. I needed to know what somebody else was looking at, besides my family, my family can tell me whatever they want to tell me that’s family. But hearing it from somebody that doesn't know me from tip tap, and had to tell me the hardcore truth, I had to come to terms to accept that. And kind of understand like, this is where I'm at. This is where I came from working on now move forward with this. And that's where my breaking point hit. Ayesha toldl me the truth.
Luke Waldo 1:21:47
Well, I'm glad that you met Ayesha. I think it's a powerful lesson that you've shared with our listeners today with me, I deeply appreciate both of you for sharing your story. And clearly the importance of having that social network, understanding your right your self worth. That's hard. And I appreciate you sharing today, Jessika. So I want to say thank you to you both. I can't again, share my gratitude enough. So thank you, Jessika. Thank you, Ayesha.
Luke Waldo 1:22:28
What is something that you would like to share about the importance of your relationship with Amy and the importance of the work that you've done with Amy what what what have you found to be most life changing? Si puede compartir con nosotros una cosa, unas cositas que usted cree que ha cambiado su vida, en particular en la relación que tiene con Amy y con el trabajo que ha hecho con Amy?
Diana Maya 1:23:08
He cambiado mucho porque he aprendido a madurar, a no tomar las cosas tanto en serio, a trabajar otra vez en el amor propio que yo antes no sentía. Pero antes era mas ego. Era mas, me motivaba mas lo que pensaba la gente que lo de yo pensaba de mi misma. Entonces, enfocarme mas en mi familia, en mis hijos, tener un trabajo que me permita estar mas tiempo con ellos. Y tambien Amy me enseñó que la vida tambien es muy corta. La vida es muy corta. Hoy puedes estar, mañana no. No puedes estar sufriendo por lo que pasó hace años. Dios sabe porque hace las cosas, yo no estaba en mi. Aprender a perdonar. Primero aprender a perdonar a mi por todo el daño que me he hecho a mi misma que fue no tenerme amor. Tal vez era querer ser mejor mama que mi mama y hacer a mi mama menos que yo. Eso fue horrible porque, y ahora despues de 36 años ya lo voy asimilando que mi mama fue una víctima. Los hijos son unos malagradecidos. Nunca los vas a tener contentos jamas. Les puede dar la mejor vida y siempre van a estar diciendote que les fallaste en todo. Pero cuando mi hijo tenga 36 años, mi hijo va a ver que hice todo lo possible para que tuviera una buena infancia y juventud. Y que si él no aprovecho de sus oportunidades de que yo puedo aportarle, fue error de él y no fue mi error. Y yo con Amy, siempre voy a estar agradecida, es una mujer fuerte, y cuando una mujer fuerte te diga que tu eres una buena madre, una buena mujer, eso me ayudó mucho a salir de donde yo estaba.
Luke Waldo 1:26:29
Gracias, Diana. I'm going to start with where Diana finished, which is. When a strong woman like Amy tells you you're a good mother, your life can change. So Diana talked a lot about learning how to forgive herself, and how to love herself, and how to also recognize that forgiving her mother in particular, and understanding what her mother went through in some of the decisions that she made, may have in fact been to protect Diana that she would give herself more grace as a mother as well, where she feels like maybe she hasn't been the best version of herself. And so, Amy, you've given her the strength to do her own healing. And to grow from that healing, to discover the strong mother that she is and the strong woman that she is, so that she can be the best version of herself for her children and put them in a position to not only be raised in a way that they know that they're loved, but to position themselves position them for a better future than then she may have been given when she was when she was younger. I do want to finish with any last thoughts that you have Amy.
Amy Baldus 1:28:06
I just want to say that Diana, you didn't become strong you are always strong and I'm just so proud of you for seeing it.
Diana Maya 1:28:20
Yo solo quiero agradecer a todos por el apoyo que me han dado, y si hay una persona alli afuera que se siente solo, que se siente que ya no tiene fuerzas, busquen ayuda. La terapia, tomar medicinas, aunque la primera vez que uno toma la pastilla para depresión o para dormir, siente que ya perdió el control de su cuerpo, no es verdad. Apenas lo vas a recuperar y, de verdad, no están solos y busquen ayuda.
Luke Waldo 1:29:04
Gracias, Diana. I think it's powerful to share that if, as you said, if if if anybody out there is feeling alone is feeling hopeless, ask for help. Because as Diana has shared today, and want to thank each of you for taking the time today to share this really powerful, powerful story for Diana, for sharing your family's story, your journey and the relationship the very, very important relationship that you've developed with with Amy. And I want to share a big thank you to you, Amy and Micaela for the work that you do each and every day, supporting overloaded families. And as Diana has shared, helping, helping people find find themselves and the strength that lives and knowing that there is somebody out there that really believes in them that can make all the difference. So thank each and every one of you for the conversation today.
Luke Waldo 1:30:32
I want to thank Diana and Jessika again for sharing their stories with me. I’d also like to thank Amy, Ayesha and Micaela for sharing the transformational work that they do. I hope that today’s episode has you thinking more about how we might confront social isolation by building bridges to one another through shared language, empathy and accountability. Before we go, I want to highlight my key takeaways before we move on to the next episode.
Luke Waldo 1:32:23
Thank you for joining us for today’s conversation. We hope that you will come back and listen next week as we continue to explore the Critical Pathways that lead to child and family well-being and reduce family separations for reasons of neglect.
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To learn more about the experts that you heard today, visit the Show Notes, which is where you will also find links to sources or information that were mentioned in today’s episode.
Thank you again for joining us. See you next week.
This podcast would not have been possible without the support and talents of Carrie Wade, who is responsible for our technical production and original music composition. I can't express my gratitude enough to Carrie for all she has given to this project. I'm also grateful to my team at the Institute for Child and Family Well-being at Children’s Wisconsin, who drive the Strong Families, Thriving Children, Connected Communities initiative and contributed to the ideas behind this podcast. Finally, I would like to thank all of our speakers that you have heard today and throughout the podcast for their partnership, their willingness to share their stories and expertise with me and all of you and their commitment to improving the lives of children and families. I'm Luke Waldo, your Host and Executive Editor. Thanks again for listening and see you next time.